As a Medium; I have encountered death in many, many ways. My first brush with death occurred when I was 3 months old, and my father’s, mother passed. This event, was something, that showed others in my family; particularly, Grammy Brown, that I was able to see/perceive Spirits. Since that moment, death has been a constant companion of mine. I have had many personal losses, and have stood witness/messenger, to countless numbers of others. There is no ‘one-way’ to experience the loss of death, for it is a multi-faceted, and generally requires us to experience it’s power over and over again; sometimes through deep sadness, sometimes through rage, sometimes through an emptiness that would challenge the vastness of space. One thing that remains constant when it comes to death is that we all mourn alone.
No matter how much we share love of someone with another, the feeling of loss created by death is a lonely thing. It is something that demands privacy, taking up long hours, in our mind. It is something that shows up when we are having a great time, reminding us that something is missing, often asking us “How can you be so happy, when your Beloved Dead is not here to join you?” It speaks loudest to us when we are feeling vulnerable, or doubting ourselves, telling us that we will never find happiness again, without our beloved. The closer we were to the death, the harder and longer it sits with us. When enough time has gone by, and others see that we should be done mourning, death requires us to hide our sorrow, “move-on” the outside world says, but death whispers quietly in our ears “stay, don’t forget how important they were to you”.
There is no easy answer here. I cannot bestow words of wisdom upon you, that will take away your sorrow, like the brush of a magic wand. But I can tell you that communication helps. Not just Spirit Communication, although in truth communication with your Beloved Dead, is one of the most powerful healing tools I know of, as it gives us the proof that they are not truly gone, but simply existing in another realm. But not everybody is open or has the ability to make connection with their dead, so that is why good old fashioned talking about it is helpful. Friends, counselors, and support groups help us to make peace with the sorrow of our loss, even when the others we speak to cannot fully understand our pain. The act of sharing it, helps us to move it from the hidden realms of our mind, into the light of day where it can be cared for.
This advice is particularly important for those who have experienced a deep loss, such as that of a lover, child, or parent. When we loose the ones we hold most dear, their death will become a constant companion of ours. It will attend us in our every day life, and go with us to special events. It will come around heavily, laden with emotion on the anniversary dates of their loss, and their birthdays, and anniversaries. It will show up, when a song comes on the radio, or a childhood toy reminds us of them, when the weather is just so, and when we wake slowly from a dream in which they have come to visit. For those most heavily hit by the loss of a loved one, death will return again, and again, and again.
So what can we do in those overwhelming moments? What can we do to ease our pain, and find peace?
First of all we must remember we are human, and innately flawed. We need to be patient with ourselves, and practice the art of ‘speaking vulnerably’, which simply means talking when you feel weak. Not everyone can do this, in fact most people stop talking about their loss, thinking that others will perceive that they should be over it by now. It is my belief that people are generally kind. That if we tell them we are having a hard day, and that death is speaking very loudly to us today, that we are in a deep space of mourning, they will understand, and most often seek to give us support. The problem is, that most of us do not do this when we are feeling vulnerable, instead we batten down the hatches and prepare to ride out the storm. In doing so, we often act in ways that are not really pleasant to ourselves or others. We may even find ourselves lashing out, again at ourselves and others, and when it is done, we feel like an asshole, but lack the means to explain our actions.
Secondly, I recommend setting up sacred space for our Beloved Dead. A simple shelf can be turned into an altar or shrine, with just a few items and some attention. Place a picture of your loved one, who has crossed over, on the shelf, as well as any mementos that remind you of them. Light a candle, and sit with them for a bit. Even if you do not sense them, know that they are beside you. For as a Medium, I know that our loved ones in Spirit are reaching out, trying to help us heal…even when we perceive them as having moved on, there is a part of their essence that stays connected to the ones they love.
We all mourn alone, and some of us do that more truly then others…This is most true for people who pull themselves away from the world of the living, identifying their loss as the story of their life. It is also true for those who have loved in secret, been the other woman/man, or who have had a relationship that was hidden from the real world. The loss in these cases can be overwhelming, and again…my answer is talk about it. Find a friend who understands, or a counselor/healer who gets you. But do not suffer with your loss alone.
I hope you found this article helpful, please feel free to share it, as I believe it is a message that needs to be heard, again, and again, and again.